A band for every year of Glastonbury? This could go horribly wrong …

Space, Jools Holland, a five-year-old Emily Eavis on violin: over the last 40 years the festival has played host to some woeful acts. Here is the worst possible anniversary lineup ...

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Glasto Hall of Shame ... Jools Holland in 2002/3/4/5/6/7/8. Photograph: Reuters

So Glastonbury 2010 has sold out in a day. You poor fools. What did it? Was it because it'll be the festival's 40th anniversary? Was it that Michael Eavis has promised "a band from each year of the festival's history"? Because, honestly, that's not really a guarantee of quality, is it?

Yes, 2002's festival might be remembered for the White Stripes, but you might just as easily get Rolf Harris panting Stairway to Heaven from behind his tatty old wobbleboard. And don't just blithely assume that Eavis will rope in Radiohead to fill the 1997 slot. You know who else played Glastonbury in 1997? Murray Lachlan Young. If you can remember him, you'll know what a terrifying and soul-draining prospect that is.

Over the last 40 years Glastonbury has played host to some scientifically woeful acts, and any number of them could turn up next year. So here, plucked from history*, is the worst possible Glastonbury lineup that you could ever expect to see. Way to blow £185 guys!

Friday

Jamiroquai (1993)
Keith Christmas (1970)
Jools Holland's Rhythm and Blues Orchestra (2005)
Paddy Ashdown discusses the issues of the day (1984)
Space (1998)
Brand New Heavies (2000)
Funkapolitan (1982)
Jools Holland's Rhythm and Blues Orchestra (1998)
Kate Nash (2008)
Peter Gabriel in a full beard playing African music with a bassist wholooks exactly like David Hasselhoff (1979)
UB40 (1983)

Saturday

Nigel Kennedy Jazz Project feat. the Jarek Smietana Band and Z-Star (2005)
Jools Holland's Rhythm and Blues Orchestra (2002)
Jools Holland's Rhythm and Blues Orchestra (2003)
Aswad (1981)
Ned's Atomic Dustbin (1992)
Level 42 (1986)
Emily Eavis, aged five, on violin (1985)
The Communards  (1987)
Edgar Broughton Band (1971)
The Marley Brothers present the 30th anniversary of Exodus (2007)
Phish (1997)
Roger Waters making a self-indulgent noise like a spaceship farting in a trumpet factory for three consecutive hours (2002)

Sunday

Jools Holland's Rhythm and Blues Orchestra (2000)
Gay Dad (1999)
Tom Jones singing nothing but his cover version of EMF's Unbelievable 13 times in a row (2009)
Hothouse Flowers (1989)
The Spin Doctors (1994)
Skywhale, whoever Skywhale are (1977)
Nik Turner's Sphinx (1978)
Adamski (1990)
Evan Dando making everyone wait for two hours, then staggering on, slurring like a tramp and getting booed off (1995)
Joss Stone (2004)

* There seems to be little recorded history for the 1972-76 festival, but we can assure fans that the four remaining slots will be filled with a Jools Holland Rhythm and Blues Orchestra marathon