I think I wrote this on Tuesday. Or Wednesday.

I feel like this overwhelming tide of emotion will wash over me anytime and push me into a pit so deep that I can’t get myself out of. I find myself scrolling through my phonebook thinking of who I can talk to. I come up with nothing. I have no friends.

Its a bleak and arduous journey from here. Its not IB. Its called singlehood. I need to stop becoming dependent on others and wanting to falling in love. I need to fall in love with God.

I have been deceiving myself. Those I thought who were my friends are not. Because I don’t treat them like they are. They are the people I talk to when I’m lonely. Or sad. Or bored. Or have problems that I can’t deal with alone. I haven’t been treating them as friends. I took advantage of their emotions to make myself feel better. For this, I am sorry. Again. I’m not going to call you two up again and apologize for past mistakes. Simply because I am too ashamed. I’m sorry.

I lie in bed at night, thinking about the mistakes I made. How much I want to go back and change it all. Set it all right again. I wish.

 

you can’t give me the dreams that are mine anyway…